Memorial day

I am so MAD! I can't believe my boy is gone and that instead of buying diapers, wipes, etc for his impending birth I am putting flowers on his grave. My heart hurts so bad I feel like it might just stop. I should be 36.6 weeks pregnant with him. How I wish I were. I know that things are the way they are and I even feel like I can cope well sometimes. But then it just hits me GRIEF like a monster attacks me and leaves me shaken to the core. I am so blessed to have met 2 new Angel Mom's. They help me realize that life will go on. My kids seem out of control lately, I am sure having a psycho mother doesn't help. I feel so sad though when I see the sadness they have. Poor C2 is just crushed over losing Calder, C1 is just plain ANGRY. It seems like a cruel joke that not only do I have to deal with the loss of my baby I somehow have to help my other boys cope with a loss. I don't feel competent enough to do either, let alone both.

The day my heart broke

My beautiful boy Calder was born sleeping on February 14, 2011. Yeah, Valentine's day. He was due June 22, 2011. He was so small it was amazing yet he was completely whole. He had perfect hands including finger nails. His feet were so cute I have pictures of them that I just stare at. You could see he had perfect lips and his eyebrows were just like his Dad's. He came into this world at 9:41 pm. I found out he had no heartbeat at 9:32 am. My world was rocked to the core.

A little about me... I am a proud Mommy of 6 boys, 5 of them here 1 in Heaven. All of them have names that begin with "C". I refer to them as C1, C2, C3 etc.. They are my life. When I found out I was pregnant I was thrilled and terrified. How would C5 do with a new baby, he will only be 22 months in June? How will we go anywhere we outgrew our car? What will my Hottie say? Even scarier was what would our families say? But then I was like what the hell, bring it on!

We found out on October 12, 2010, my Hottie's birthday. It seemed like a good sign.

The pregnancy progressed along well, other than some spotting that started at 7 weeks and lasted until until 12 weeks. I even went in for that because I didn't want to take any chances. He looked great and measured right on. He was 7 weeks big at 7 weeks. I decided to do the integrated screen because I was going to be 35. That involved an ultrasound at 12 weeks and a blood draw. Once again my little Bean measured right on. The ultrasound tech told us he looked great nothing concerning at all. At 16 weeks I had the 2nd blood work for the screen, a doc called (a geneticist) to tell me that I had a light marker for spinabifida. He of course called a Friday evening and couldn't get me in for an ultrasound until Wednesday. We were freaked but trying to take things in stride. When I finally made it to Wednesday my regular Dr wasn't there one of the other Perinatologists came in and told me that the scan looked good other than my baby had an echogenic bowel. WTF? I was concerned and asked what does that mean? She said probably nothing and that I would need to come back for another scan in a few weeks. I asked her about his growth, I noticed that he was measuring 16 weeks and 4 days but I was 18 weeks along. She casually put her feet up on the table and said " We'll watch it as long as he measures within 10 days it is no big deal". Every fiber of my being knew at that moment something was wrong, this was not my first pregnancy rodeo, none of my other boys did this. As soon as we got home I googled echogenic bowel and poor growth. IUGR kept coming up, little did I know not only did I have it but it was KILLING my son.

Physically I was drained. I mean beyond tired even pregnancy didn't seem like an excuse to be so exhausted. I slept all of the time barely functioning and hardly was able to care for my other kids. Calder ( I had decided he needed a name by this point and started calling him Calder) was so quite I had to lie down and be quite to feel him. I had told my husband I was worried but we decided he was little still and I might not be feeling all of his movements yet. I realize now that my body was in a fight for his life, it was trying to give all it could to him.

It was finally time for the next ultrasound, I was so nervous and really wanted to see his little heart beating. My friend went with me because my husband had to work. He could have used vacation but I wanted him to save all he could for when Calder came in June. Little did I know I was denying him the last opportunity to see his son alive. I am SO SORRY!!

When my friend and I got there I was so nervous, I remember saying to her " wouldn't it be awful if he is dead inside of me?" She cringed and said "don't be sick." As soon as the ultrasound tech started I could see his heart beating the relief was palpable. Thank you Sweet Jesus, my baby was alive! The tech took her sweet time doing the scan I realize in retrospect she was worried about him and I had never seen my other babies kidneys be looked at like that. As she was leaving the screen with all the stats popped up, she quickly closed it but not before I saw that he was only measuring 17 weeks. 17 weeks? How could that be? I was 20 weeks 5 days. I knew we were in trouble. I asked her about it and she told me he was small and his kidneys were weak. She left to get my doctor, by the time he came in I was crying, the look of anguish on his face only made me cry more. I have known this man for 10+ years. We have delivered 4 boys together I had never seen him look like that before. I was screwed and we all knew it.