Memorial day

I am so MAD! I can't believe my boy is gone and that instead of buying diapers, wipes, etc for his impending birth I am putting flowers on his grave. My heart hurts so bad I feel like it might just stop. I should be 36.6 weeks pregnant with him. How I wish I were. I know that things are the way they are and I even feel like I can cope well sometimes. But then it just hits me GRIEF like a monster attacks me and leaves me shaken to the core. I am so blessed to have met 2 new Angel Mom's. They help me realize that life will go on. My kids seem out of control lately, I am sure having a psycho mother doesn't help. I feel so sad though when I see the sadness they have. Poor C2 is just crushed over losing Calder, C1 is just plain ANGRY. It seems like a cruel joke that not only do I have to deal with the loss of my baby I somehow have to help my other boys cope with a loss. I don't feel competent enough to do either, let alone both.